-- disclaimer : no - I am not going to write about 101: Being a Criminal for Dummies --
please, please excuse my vocabulary and the grammatical errors.
So, Hi again~
I hit my laptop as soon as finished cleaning up upon I arriving at home -
it's 1 am here and I just came back from watching 'Ocean's 8' - yeah that movie about bunch of female thieves.
(yes, it's Ramadhan and I could've doing i'tikaf, but my cycle force me not to :( )
No it's not something to be proud of (to be home at 1 am, driving alone and I was violating some traffic rule, oops) but, I just need to write these down here to remind future me -- who might had mood swings, slight depression or the same old problems: insecurities.
The movie could just be a 'female version ocean series' (I always love Ocean 11-13 tho) like what people have predicted - but what aspire me was the girl power spirit and taking vengeance upon your ex to the next level (it's not like I have an ex that needs some kick in the butt - but I can say I encounter some similar situation - I have sort of hatters).
All along the movie what's on my mind was,'Which should I go next? What things should I learn next (insert: considering of going back to university to pursue another degree). I want to go to New York (tbh I've never wanted to go to NY, but I just changed my mind: I want to go see Metropolitan Museum of Art where Met Gala happens. Ok). And...I want to learn how to negotiate - no - more like I must learn how to negotiate.
The next thing came up to my mind is finally I KNOW HOW TO LIVE - yes, I've been half dead all these times -. The answers to all my sadness lately is not that because I am still single at this age - it never bothers anyway - It's because (although I always knew I will look prettier after 10 pm) I hardly ever feeling comfortable with myself, and what make it worst ? I've been used to it, I've been making myself MORE un-comfortable for being me.
It's like: I am on a ski resort - doing some moves and I fall on my butt - but instead trying to get up - I am rolling on the snow - like rolling - doing nothing - and keep rolling.
And then I tried to figured out - what should I do, to be happier and to be more grateful. So I tried to make some list of things I should to do to make me love myself more.
1. I should loose some weight, cause I want to look good in kebaya (I love kebaya so much) and I want to look good in suite (yes the tailored one).
2.Eummm...the next thing might be to learn Korean again, I am already on the halfway.
Yes, I decided to quit and wants to learn Thai instead - but now I think I want to learn Korean again. It's not like I know what can I do if I speak Korean - but I feels like I should do it to gain more self love. And learning Germany sounds interesting, I've learned a bit when I was in high school but I stopped when I moved to other school - sadly my new school doesn't give 3rd languages class, unless I took language as my major. But again it's not like I know what can I do with it - but it seems like I can make myself more likeable, if I do that.
3. And the last thing came up is I need to learn how to negotiate - the world bow down to those who is good at conquering the situation - Am I right? I always being so analytical yet so emotional, which ruined all my analysis. So by knowing how to negotiate I can have these : calming myself down - yet I can kill my opponent with words and control the situation (I know it sounds like I think it's simple, but I promise I have a lot more in my mind).
Okay, those things are just some from the lists, and I know it shouldn't be written on public blog like this. But GIRLS! WE CAN DO IT - WE CAN LOVE no WE SHOULD LOVE OURSELVES TO BE HAPPIER. The world became shadier, and we don't know when will be the ending-so let's spend the time wisely.
So yes, as I said this post main purpose is to be my own reminder. But I would like to share; who knows there is someone else whom needs the same reminder - and you can make your own list.
so here is my anthem:
I don't know if it's coincidence or it's been 'written' :p, this song came up again few days ago in my life, yesterday I re-watch the MV with subtitles and it got me ashamed cause that song could've lift me up me all these hard times - but I let it past and choose to listens shabby songs instead.
NO, no ain't saying 'I don't need a man, but it's more like - I can feel good without man - but still I should now there will be a time for it (you know what I mean-yeah love, etc) - but while God makes me and 'the man' cross the path - I should be happier and being the best version of myself. Because I don't do binary fission to reproduce, since I am not an amoeba - So, I do need a man.
Happy 27th day of Ramadhan!
Hope to see you (Ramadhan) again next year TT_TT